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Barrier Busting
The Barrier Busting podcast offers insights, strategies, and inspiring stories that explore practical tips and powerful tools for unlocking our full potential.
Barrier Busting
Fear of Failure: Understanding and Overcoming
Are you struggling with the fear of failure? You’re not alone. Many individuals encounter this daunting barrier, often letting it block potential growth and success. This episode unpacks atychiphobia, highlighting the psychological and emotional layers of this fear.
I'll delve into the roots and symptoms of fear of failure, looking at how past experiences and societal expectations can influence our present behavior. Additionally, I'll address the causes behind this fear and, importantly, share actionable strategies to overcome it. From understanding cognitive distortions to embracing a growth mindset, listeners will leave with pragmatic tools to face their fears head-on.
Failure is simply a part of life's journey, and by transforming our relationship with it, we can open up to new possibilities and growth. Don’t let fear stand in your way!
Are you feeling stuck, trapped by barriers holding you back from reaching your full potential? Well, let's bust through those barriers so that you can live your best life. Hi, I'm Matt Brooks, founder of Matt Brooks Coaching, and I'm passionate about helping people overcome barriers to achieve success. Join me for insights, strategies and inspiring stories as we explore practical tips and powerful tools to unlock your true potential. This is the Barrier Busting Podcast. Well, hello again everybody. I know I took a couple weeks off. I hope you don't mind hearing some repeats. They were really good shows, I thought, but I'm back.
Speaker 1:I want to talk today about fear of failure. Before I took a little break, I was doing a few weeks on performance anxiety, right, and this is kind of I want to piggyback this on top of that performance anxiety series, because fear of failure is very similar. It has some differences, but it's very similar. Most of us have experienced a bit of this at some point in our lives, right, but for some people, fear of failure can really be debilitating. It can really hold them back. So first, though, how is it different and how is it similar from performance anxiety right? Well, this is pretty easy. Performance anxiety is when you're put on the spot. Right, it's always got something public in nature. Right? You're giving a speech, you're giving a toast at a wedding, you're making a presentation at work or you're actually performing in a show or something.
Speaker 1:Fear of failure, however, it can be anything. It can be a project at work, it can be financial stability you fear failing at that. It can be fear failing at finishing a degree, and so on. It can be anything that you are scared that you might fail at and that that failure will bring shame and embarrassment. As a coach, I work with people to help break down barriers that hold them back, and fear of failure is a huge one. So you know, I talk with my clients, we work on this, we work on overcoming this, and I thought I'd share a bunch of stuff with you today about what it is, what are the causes of it, what are the symptoms so you can recognize it, and then some tips on what to do if you're going through an episode of fearing that you're going to fail at something, if it's becoming overwhelming to you, some ideas about how you can face that.
Speaker 1:So, first of all, what is it? What is fear of failure? They actually have a name for this a tiki phobia, a tiki phobia, a-t-y-c-h-i phobia that's the word a tiki phobia and that's an intense feeling of anxiety or a sense of danger having to do with failing or screwing something up or being judged by others for failing. Any situation where there is potential for failure and, in particular, failure that will be noticed by others In our careers, in our relationships, our financial status, etc. And of course, nowadays, with social media, the risks of being criticized are even higher. One perceived slip up can lead to social or professional problems. Right, so the stakes can seem and in fact can be higher for failing, which makes it reasonable for us to fear this from time to time.
Speaker 1:A person with a tiki phobia may be terrified of new experiences or trying new things, taking risks, things where the outcome isn't assured and where one dreads feeling a sense of shame and embarrassment if the outcome isn't successful. The fear can take over, not only keeping people from, you know, putting themselves out there, but that fear can take over to a point where one experiences a kind of paralysis in which one continues to hold him or herself back by avoiding stressful situations completely or withdrawing from career and or social opportunities. And look, even the most successful people experience fear of failure. There was a 2018 study of CEOs. Look, even the most successful people experience fear of failure. There was a 2018 study of CEOs, right, and it showed that 90% of CEOs, 90% of CEOs, stated that it's fear of failure, more than anything else, that keeps them up at night.
Speaker 2:And also.
Speaker 1:Failure is just a part of life. We should accept that it's inevitable. We'll all experience it at some point or another, and most likely many, many times. Successful people look at failure as an opportunity for growth, a way to learn, and that's how we all should view it. The old phrase is right what doesn't kill you makes you strong, but only if you let it. Fear of failure is really about fear of uncertain outcomes.
Speaker 1:Researchers have found that most people who have a tiki phobia are motivated not by the possibility of what will be gained or by winning something, but rather they are motivated more by their anxiety around the possibility of failure. So their anxiety around failure is keeping them from doing something. What can I lose becomes more important than what can I gain. This goes hand in hand with a common source of all anxiety disorders, in fact, one of the top causes of anxiety. That anxiety is often brought on by the fear of anxiety itself. That's right. Fearing anxiety is one of the biggest causes of anxiety, and this most commonly comes from having a panic attack or a severe episode of anxiety in one's past. The memory of how horrible it was sticks and we don't ever wanna feel that way again. So in turn, we fear that we will experience an anxiety attack and more often than not, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When this happens, one is not afraid of failing so much as they are afraid of feeling. Let me say that again One is not afraid of failing so much as they are afraid of feeling. Feeling shame, feeling embarrassment, etc. Feeling shame, feeling embarrassment, etc. The good news is that studies have also shown that for the most part, phobias can be overcome, typically with therapy or coaching, and it has to also have a strong desire by you who are experiencing this to work. You've got to be willing to work if you want to overcome these phobias. But phobias can be overcome by and large.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about what the causes of fear of failure are. What are some of the causes? It's important to remember that we all have different backstories, different life experiences, different family histories, we have different types of negative past experiences, and all of these can play a role in fear of failure. And, by the way, all those reasons are valid. Prior experiences are there to inform us Once bitten, twice shy, right. Or some people say, once burned twice shy. That's valid. It's normal to be influenced by past experiences, but if they're holding you back. Be assured that they can be overcome.
Speaker 1:Another cause is learned behaviors Learned behaviors from family, teachers, mentors, people who modeled them to you in your formative years, your belief systems, your observational behaviors, standards set by others. For example, if you are repeatedly warned against bringing shame upon the family, you're going to fear failure big time. Right, and there are some cultures where that actually brings shame upon the family is huge in those cultures I think it's everywhere, but there are some cultures where it's even more amplified and that creates a lot of anxiety and a lot of stress. Another cause low self-esteem. If you have any type of neurosis whatsoever negative thought patterns, negative self-talk and you have a low self-esteem, you're more likely to have fear of failure Past trauma this can contribute to fear of failure.
Speaker 1:Past trauma can make you avoidant. Right? Ptsd has a lot of effects. Ptsd sucks. Let me just say that If you know anybody who's experienced PTSD, or if you yourself have it, you know it sucks and it creates a fear of all kinds of things. So it definitely can contribute to fear of failure.
Speaker 1:Another cause is perfectionism. If you're a perfectionist man, you are going to fear failure. If you've got to have everything be perfect all the time. Failure is a big issue to you. You may not admit it, but it is In a similar vein. Comparison, right? Comparison to other people. What do the neighbors think? How do I compare to the Joneses? Right? All that that can create fear of failure, because you don't want to look bad to everybody, you want to look like you succeeded and you fit in, et cetera. So comparison's a big one.
Speaker 1:But one of the biggest ones and this is both a cause and a symptom is procrastination. Both a cause and a symptom is procrastination. The more anxiety we have from fear of failure, the less likely we are to work towards achieving what we fear that we'll fail at right. So we procrastinate, we avoid it. Very common.
Speaker 1:What are some of the symptoms of a tachyphobia? Well, they're actually very similar to the causes in a lot of ways, but here's some symptoms. First of all, you're reluctant to try new things. You have an intense worrying or anxious feelings about new experiences or unfamiliar situations. You avoid improving or changing anything because you fear these new experiences. Definitely a sign. Definitely a sign. Definitely a symptom.
Speaker 1:Another symptom, as I talked about a second ago negative thoughts Just fuel the fear. Negative thoughts are fuel for the fear. Remember that A pessimistic outlook, Imagining worst case scenarios, a mindset that's fixed on failure being inevitable. You're convinced that you've failed so much in life that you shouldn't expect any better. Oh, it always happens to me. It's just my luck, right? That's going to contribute to fear of failure. All these things that I've been talking about just serve to increase self-doubt and, as we said, self-doubt is a big cause.
Speaker 1:Another symptom is intensely self-conscious. You're intensely self-conscious regarding what other people think, to the point where it holds you back from doing anything. It stops you completely. You have a fear of disappointing others or being embarrassed around others. You're anxious about being judged. These are symptoms.
Speaker 1:Another is a complete avoidance of stressful situations. Do you get out of the room fast when something gets stressed? I know someone very well who just can't handle stressful situations, can't handle conflict at all, and anytime a conflict arises or a stressful situation comes up, this person just immediately gets up and leaves the room, just splits like right away, because they can't deal with that. I mean, that's. You know, that's something. There's a lot there, but one of the things from that is it's a symptom of fear and failure. Also, withdrawing from opportunities, as I've talked about you know, such as trying for a new job or going to a fun social event or meeting new people, avoiding unfamiliar environments, unfamiliar projects, unfamiliar activities. These are all symptoms I mentioned earlier.
Speaker 1:Procrastinating right, procrastination right. This is you're prone to it if a task or activity seems challenging or new or you easily get distracted from what you need to do and what you're really doing is avoiding whatever it is you're supposed to do. That's procrastination. Then, of course, with all anxiety, there can be really intense anxiety and intense somatic symptoms, physical symptoms, and those can be things like dizziness, racing heartbeat, sweating. Any of the signs of anxiety come into play here. Time for a quick break. When we come back, I'm going to talk briefly about the dangers of fear of failure, what we should be afraid of if we deal with this, and then I'm going to offer some tips for overcoming it. Back in just a sec.
Speaker 2:Feeling overwhelmed, Struggling to find balance in your daily life? At Matt Brooks Coaching, we get it and we can help. With over 25 years of non-profit executive experience and an MSW with a clinical focus, Matt Brooks offers personalized coaching designed to help you rise above your challenges and live your best life. Whether you aim to advance your career, enhance your skills or simply find more clarity and peace, Matt is here to be your partner and ally. Visit mattbrookscoachingcom to book your free discovery session today. Take the first step towards a brighter tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's talk about the dangers of fear of failure, and there are some very real dangers if you are dealing with this. First of all, the fear can become self-fulfilling. All right, you think negative, as I talked about this in the first half, you think negatively. It may come true Because you expect failure. You may be subconsciously setting yourself up for it, you may be self-sabotaging. Big danger is a broad range of psychological and emotional problems shame, depression, anxiety, sometimes crippling anxiety, panic, low self-esteem all dangers of fear of failure. In other words, if you don't address it, these are things that can really kick in the high gear. This can negatively affect how you perform at school or work, how you interact with family, friends, neighbors and coworkers. Those relationships that we need in life can really be negatively affected if you're fearing failure and thus you have some of the behaviors I've already talked about avoidance. You're procrastinating, you're keeping yourself away from certain situations. It can also sabotage career growth. Right, we don't want to do anything, we're afraid to try new things, so our career growth just gets stunted. Right, fear of failure makes us prone to inaction. It's a kind of paralysis that can happen. Now, all of these are good reasons for coming to terms with our fear of failure, understanding it and overcoming it, because some of these dangers in particular can be really problematic. So we want to overcome it and, if you recall, I said research has proven that most phobias can be overcome as long as you're willing to work. So how do we do that? How do we overcome it? Here's some strategies or some tips that I'd like to pass on.
Speaker 1:Number one recognize that this is normal. Fear of failure is normal. Everyone experiences fear and everyone, at some point, experiences some degree of fear of failure. We are wired to protect ourselves from danger. We are as human beings. Our brains are wired to protect ourselves from danger and the idea of failing or humiliation or shame falls into the category of what our brain perceives as danger. So naturally, we're going to resist this. We're going to have some anxiety for it. It's normal. Give yourself a break on that, okay. Second, while recognizing that fear of failure is normal, also recognize that failure itself is normal. Give yourself permission to fail and remember the failure simply means you're trying something that you're branching out in some way. Everybody fails and if you're embarrassed in front of other people because you failed, remember they fail too right.
Speaker 1:My favorite thing about this, or quote about this, comes from Teddy Roosevelt, and I'm sure many of you have heard it. It's about the man in the arena. It is, to me, the bottom line when it comes to people who are criticizing, or thinking about people who criticize you. All right, I'm going to read part of it. You can Google man in the arena, teddy Roosevelt. You'll find the whole thing, but I'm going to read about half of it right now, cause I just love this. So I just want to read this. These are Teddy Roosevelt's words. It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again because there is no effort without error or shortcoming. I just love that. I love that idea that those who are criticizing you probably aren't in the arena and they're Monday morning quarterbacking right.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I hate Monday morning quarterbacking. You know you're watching a football game and you see a failed play and you see that there were two receivers wide open downfield and you're like this quarterback's an idiot, how could he have missed that? But the truth is it's easy to say that from the view from the cheap seats. If you're down there on the field, who knows how many hundreds of things were happening in a split second or two that that quarterback had to deal with? You can't judge him fairly from the cheap seats, right? And so, as far as I'm concerned, people who criticize from the cheap seats, if they aren't willing to put themselves in the arena, they just need to shut the fuck up. I'm sorry, they really do, and you need to adopt that idea in your mind. Even though they may not shut the fuck up, you need to adopt the idea in their mind that they don't have credibility by in any way shaming or humiliating you because you were trying something.
Speaker 1:Try to remember that. I'm passionate about that one and look for that Teddy Roosevelt quote. Remember there's a cost of not trying and you gotta remember that. With whatever it is, just remember the cost of not trying. Ask yourself what you'll miss out on if you don't give it a try. Ask yourself what's the worst that can happen. Ask yourself what's the best that could happen. If you answer these questions, you may find that the situation is not so scary at all. And, by the way, asking these types of questions is essentially what cognitive behavioral therapy is. What it does it analyzes cognitive distortions, makes you question your thinking to make sure that you're really seeing things clearly. A therapist will do that with you. Coaches will do a variation of that with you as well. We'll look to find clarity in your thought process. All right, another way to overcome failure and I really love this one, because this is one anybody can do Practice being willing to fail. What did he say? I said, yeah, practice being willing to fail. Remember, the anxiety and fear of failure is like a muscle. Okay, fear is like a muscle, and overcoming fear is also like a muscle. You got to work it out. You got to work it out, just like you got to work out your regular muscles at the gym. So adopt a beginner's mindset. Learn something new, try a new hobby or something. Go ahead and make mistakes, like all beginners do. You'll get more used to it, so it won't seem like something you need to fear, and remember Franklin Delano Roosevelt right, his famous quote the only thing you need to fear is fear itself. Try to remember that one, because it's true, the only thing you need to fear is fear itself. So try something new. Try something new. Often Flex that muscle.
Speaker 1:Another thing to do if you're having a fear of failure and you're trying to work it out talk to someone you trust, whether that's a therapist or a coach or a friend. Just talk to someone. A lot of it can be worked out just by talking. You'll get more comfortable with the idea and that someone will talk you through it as well and help you. Try to see things more clearly so that you don't get overwhelmed with that anxiety.
Speaker 1:Here's another one that sounds corny. You hear this a lot, but I really believe this works and there's a lot of evidence that it does work and that's visualization. Visualize your success, play through it in your mind and envision you facing it. Whatever this is that's causing the fear, envision you facing it with courage and succeeding. Just envision success. It really works and at the very least, it'll bolster some confidence and some courage. Right, like I said, I know it sounds corny, but it's no joke, it really can work.
Speaker 1:Another one I really like develop what's called a bias for action. Cultivate a growth mindset. Develop a hunger for learning. Strongly value making an effort and strongly value a disciplined approach, or disciplined perseverance. This will keep you moving forward despite your fear. So get intellectually hungry is what I'm saying. Another one is reframe potential failure as more growth. Right, we talked about that earlier. Successful people do this all the time. If you're fearing that you're going to fail at something, say to yourself you know what, but I'm going to learn if I do. I'm going to learn something if I do.
Speaker 1:Another way to overcome fear of failure, or another component to it, is do away with analysis paralysis. Do you have analysis paralysis? Do you overthink things? Do you know what analysis paralysis? Do you have analysis paralysis? Do you overthink things? Do you know what analysis paralysis is? Well, analysis paralysis is when someone is unable to make a decision because they overthink a problem. It can occur in many situations, including when making career decisions or choosing an investment, et cetera. This often happens when you're dealing with too many variables and continually researching solutions instead of taking action and making a decision. It can also happen if you're a perfectionist. Right. You get yourself paralyzed by overanalyzing everything. So if you're prone to overthinking, you may suffer from analysis paralysis.
Speaker 1:I'm not suggesting you do things without thinking them through. No, no, no, you've got to think it through. But recognize that sometimes we can get so stuck and caught up in our own thinking that it holds us back. Be aware of the pitfalls of whatever you're considering for sure, but don't let that in and of itself hold you back. Above all, give yourself some grace. Show yourself some compassion, allow yourself to feel, even if it's uncomfortable, and forgive yourself if the fears you have sometimes do get the best of you. Just keep getting up off the mat, putting yourself in the arena. Remember it's the man in the arena, not the person that criticizes. You can overcome fear of failure. We all can. Good luck if you're trying.
Speaker 1:That's all for today. I really appreciate you tuning in. As I've been saying a lot lately, if you have ideas for topics to be covered on this show, I would love to hear from you. I need ideas. Please feel free to email me at matt at mattbrookscoachingcom. Matt at mattbrookscoachingcom. Give me your ideas. I'll be happy to consider them and see what I can do In the meantime. Thanks for listening today. I wish you well, be well, and I'll catch you next time on the Barrier Busting. Podcast, podcast.
